KITCHEN PHILOSOPHY 101
- If a messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, then mine is delirious!
- A clean kitchen is a sign of a misspent life.
- Help keep the kitchen clean---eat out.
- Gourmet cooking, done properly, can kill you.
- If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap
- My next house won't have a kitchen---just vending machines
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone onto lead normal lives
WAYS TO RELIEVE STRESS:
- Pop some popcorn without putting on the lid.
- Find out what a frog in the blender really looks like.
- Cook whole anchovies in the microwave (have cleaning supplies handy)
- Read a cookbook upside down and look for secret messages
- Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
- Write a short story using alphabet soup.
- Make a sourdough starter and watch it bubble up.
THE STRESS-RELIEF DIET
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day:
1 Slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
Small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 chocolate Oreo cookie
The rest of the cookies in the pack
1 tub of Hagen Daas Ice Cream with Choc-chip topping
1 Family pack of Twinkies
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves Garlic bread
1 Family size Supreme Pizza
3 Snickers Bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK:
Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the Freezer)
VALENTINE POEM TO SHABOOM:
Cabbage always has a heart;
Green Beans string along.
You're such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?
You've been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect Pear.
Now, something's sure to Turnip,
To prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let's let our tulips meet.
Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.
I'll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery,
So be my Valentine!
.................from Trader Johnny
"When my daugher was about 11 years old, she stayed home from school one day
because she wasn't feeling well. Since there were neighbors close by that
knew she was there while I was working, I allowed her to be alone for the
day. In the afternoon she called me at work and said she felt like eating
grits and was it okay for her to make them. I told her it was okay if she
used the microwave instead of the stove and to please call me when she was
Awhile later she called and asked me what "yield" meant!! I told
her it was the measured amount of the food prepared. She started laughing
and said, 'I have looked in every cabinet in this kitchen for 1 cup of yield
and couldn't find it anywhere!!!'" :)
FRANK'S REPORT OF TEXAS CHILI COOKOFF
(These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey.)
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event."
*****Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
*****Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced.
*****Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. broad is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
*****Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really blasts me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
*****Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that broad Sally. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
******Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
*****Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: ---- (editor's note: comments were totally inappropriate to report.)
- COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
- IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
- IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
- DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
FROM THE "CATTLEMEN'S STEAK BOOK"
"Now here is the recipe tried and true.
For chuckwagon coffee, the buckaroo's brew.
Use Arbuckle's Roasted, in case you can get it
Pour in enough water to just sort of wet it.
Boil hard for an hour, then into it toss
The well-rusted shoe off a clubfooted hoss;
Gaze into the pot for a few minutes steady;
If the hoss shoe is floating, your coffee is ready!"
.............................From Sailor Rood
COWBOY VOCABULARY I
Present: drank, as in "Ah ain't gonna drank that, it's water!
Past: drank, as in "Merle done drank up all the Lone Stars, durn it!
Past Perfect: drank, as in "We was gonna drank that iced tea, honey, but Merle brought some whiskey instead."
Singular: Drank, as in "Could ah git a drank in here or whut?"
Plural: Dranks, as in "Me and Merle got a few dranks down at the corner bar."
"Heck yes I'm drunk--What do you think I am, a stunt driver?"
DUDE: "The only horse that dude ever had was a charley horse."
HUNGRY: "Ah'm so hongry ah'd like to grease mah chin with a 2-pound steak."
COWBOY VOCABULARY II
PICKUP TRUCK: Cowboy Cadillac
CAMP COOK: dough wrangler, cookie, sourdough, bean-master, hasher, grub-slinger, dough-roller.
HORSE: bangtail, boneyard, bronco, broomtail, bucker, buzzard-bait, cayuse, fantail, gut-twister, hammerhead, hay-burner, indian-digger, jughead, man-killer, nag, plug, ringtail, shavetail.
WHISKEY: barleycorn, base-burner, bug-juice, coffin-varnish, conversation-fluid, fire-water, grog, gut-warmer, home-brew, hooch, liquid dynamite, moonshine, neck-oil, panther-piss, red-eye, rot-gut, snake-poison, swill, tarantula-juice, tonsil-varnish.
COWBOY MOVIE THEE-ATER
The Alamo; John Wayne
El Corado; John Wayne, Rober Mitchum
High Noon; Gary Cooper
Lonesome Dove; Rober Duvall, Tommy Lee Jones
Magnificent Seven; James Cobun, Charles Bronson, more
Rancho Deluxe; A wester comedy
COWBOY READING ROOM
"God Bless John Wayne" by Kinky Friedman
"Lonesome Dove" by Larry McMurtry
"Texas" by James Michener
"Fixin' To Be Texasn" by Helen Bryant
"Cowboys Are My Weakness" by Pam Houston
"Giant" by Edna Ferber
............ all from "Cowboy Cocktails" by Grady Spears
THINK ABOUT THIS...
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES:
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"Rhubarb ia a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"You should put that electric mixer in 4-wheel drive."
"Can I have more mashed tapatas?" (potatoes)
"I want broomsticks with my scapettis." (breadsticks; spaghetti)
"My favorite salad is sneezer salad." (Caesar salad)
"Let's go to that Chinese restaurant for very-yucky chicken." (teriyaki chicken)
"I've been watching that farmer--I guess he doesn't plant spaghetti does he?"
EGGS--When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS --Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
BREAD --Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any
loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR --Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
CANNED GOODS --Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS --A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS --Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES --Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP --If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
UNMARKED ITEMS: --You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
BLAIR SANDWITCH PROJECT
In October of 1994, three student filmmakers disappeared in their kitchen near Burkittsville, Maryland while filming the making of very large sandwiches. "I...I..(sob)...I'm so hungry."
CHEATERS' DIET LAW 101
#1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
#2. If you drink a diet coke with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet coke.
#3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
#4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
#5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
#6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots,Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
#7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
#8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
#9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and chocolate mint ice cream; cauliflower and white chocolate. (NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color..)
#10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
Hungry? No time to cook? No ttime to eat? Don't like to clean up?
Become a SINKIE! CLICK HERE
THE DIETER'S RULES OF CHOCOLATE
#1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
#2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
#3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
#4. Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
#5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
#6. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
#7. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
#8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
#9. Q--Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A--Because no one wants to quit.
#10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.